sometimes I still talk to myself in the dark, wishing I was talking to you. hating that you can't hear a word, my ceiling takes it all. i hate the empty tears that fall sideways over the bridge of my nose, across my cheek and onto my earlobe. They don't mean a thing to me anymore but they're still there.
it pisses me off that late nights dissolve me. that they can touch me and i can't run fast enough away. "you're not strong enough," it tells me "give up. give in." i cling to your memory when i finally trip and fall, letting the hole open back up and swallow me from the inside out. i curl up into a ball just to make the world stop spinning for one goddamn second so i can have a chance at shrinking you in my brain again. it doesn't listen to me.
i keep falling.
i'm no emo. i don't sit around moping in my fears. but...
but i can't help but admit what you really are to me.
you're my knife. my blade. i use you to cut myself, to feel some pain that i can manage, that i can control, all to distract me from the real issue: myself.
i can't focus on the truth, i need you so i can keep lying, keep running, keep denying the fact that i'm not really all that perfect and okay.
but now... now you're leaving scars and its scaring me. and i'm scared that i said no but you're still here. and it scares me to see the bruises. and it scares me to see the look in your eye. it scares me that i've forgotten the word "stop."
and it scares me to realize that i'm the one telling you to stay.
like a drug you're my nothing but you're my everything and i don't like who i am with you, but i don't know who i am without you. i know this makes me weak. it kills me everyday. but i can't do it, i can't kill us.
can you?
No comments:
Post a Comment