she didn't have the will to do so
she squirmed a bit instead
it was a funny joke to him
his arms circled around
come closer, come closer
she laid watching her hand in the moonlight
clench, release
remembering the ruby red ring
that had been roped around her neck
a love she wanted too much and not at all
too many lions and tigers in her head
white tigers- black stripes
a fear of the color red
god, how did we get to be here
she could see it all from above
like a movie everyone could see
but only a sleeping old man bought tickets to
with the usher texting his girlfriend in the last row
she doesn't understand
sly, too sly
his fingers up her shirt
poised to release the clasp on her back
a cat screeches outside
his lips on her ear
it's too hot, but she presses closer
i don't care, let's just go
but she's a good liar
it's all a joke
it has to be
they have to laugh, it's not a big deal
if they didn't, their magnetic field would reactivate
polarizing them to opposite sides of the room
she on the floor
him shooting russians in an xbox video game
she would laugh to see him die
the bra and the shirt hit the floor
leave it there, look at me
let me see
she feels like she's at the doctor
a sick, scared fear of the attention
like he would prick the illusion at any moment
like he held the power he had stolen from her
she was drained and scared and happy in his arms
she fans her fingers across his cheek
to his temple, behind his ear
trying to memorize his face
nakedly afraid that she might never
be put on such a pedestal again
she's thinking maybe she looks prettier
with a smile on her face
but he's still not in love
he's still not buying
and she remembers why she doesn't care
i need you i love you i want you
are in somebody else's bed
nothing of consequence or longer than a syllable
is exchanged beneath the sheets
a mute agreement with no terms
silence is sitting on her heart
like a trapped scream that she doesn't want anybody
to ever, ever hear
she sits up, swallowing the scream
fuck, where is that bra
he pulls her to him
he would be a nice height for a boyfriend
like me and love me roll around her stomach
like an angry ocean of waves
and she doesn't understand
he tucks her into the guest bedroom
a jewel being stuffed back into the jewel box
beautiful for one night
and not expensive enough to avoid being forgotten
for the next year or two
just fucking hold me and never let me go
he kisses her and it means nothing
he says goodnight sweetly but it means nothing
he ambles heavily and indifferently away
and it means everything
silence curls up like a cat
in the pit of her stomach
and her heart shatters like a falling icicle
she needs to talk
she feels too empty
she gave him too much
because she feels so alone
she talks to the ceiling because her phone is in his room
"beau, beau...."
it falls on deaf ears
her best friend isn't there
it's cold and startling in the room
so much that exhaustion and hysteria set in
and she remembers that she doesn't understand anything
why her hair is blowdried
why she's in honors research
she's forgotten why she has a laundry list future
and she doesn't understand why beau
her best friend beau, dear old beau is in the next room
he's sleeping silently, his dog at his feet
but he isn't her best friend at all
he's hidden behind a berlin wall of kisses and touches
and i love you's that were never said
what happens if i break down the wall
and all you were trying to protect has decayed
in your assured absence?
she wants to cry so she doesn't
and she falls asleep in a nice pretty position
still stuck in the movie
and as the camera pans out
and the credits start to roll
she shudders
she swallows nausea
and she doesn't understand
